Holding my breath...

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I haven't written in awhile and that's because there's really not much to tell.  However, there are a few things that I would like to say first off.
I would like to personally thank everyone who has donated their time, money and prayers with me this last few months, I really appreciate it.
I've had a bit of a shock this last week.  I had a 'tumor' on my leg, 3 doctor's told me that it was benign, and I was referred to see a dermatologist, which I saw this past Friday.  Even the dermatologist, at a glance, said that it was a tumor.  It was a marble sized ball in my thigh, on the top part of my leg.  It felt like one of those little rubber balls that come out of the quarter machines, with toys/candy for kids.  So, he said it needed to be biopsied.  I thought he was going to schedule a biopsy, but to my surprise, he did it right then and there.  So I was prepped up, and he stuck this large round lancet-like device into the tumor and said "wait a minute...".  I was sitting back, so I propped up to see what was going on and to my surprise, it was oozing with this white mucus!  The Dr squeezed it out, swabbed it to get a sample, looked up at me in astonishment and said "It's gone!".  I now have two stitches in my leg, and have yet to find out what it was.  It didn't hurt, or anything like that, it was just there.  It started growing like 9 months ago, and it stopped growing when it got marble sized, perhaps a bit bigger and then started to harden.  Never did the spot feel infected or irritated in any way.  That's pretty odd.

As far as my liver Dr. goes, there's no news to tell there, and it's pretty damned frustrating!  I'm still waiting for medical clearance, and my Pulmonologist/Cardiologist had told me that I was to get another Right Heart Catheterization in December, yet no one has called me to make an appointment for the procedure.  This is so stupid and such a waste of time, because they're so focused on treating something that I don't even feel.  I must admit, my ability to climb stairs and walk has gotten better, as far as my breathing goes, but my spleen/liver has gotten much worse.

I'm pretty much living off Aleve, because I've been getting these pains delivered from the devil himself in my left side, and it makes me nauseas.  If I take Aleve, it pretty much subsides and I have to take 2-3 a day.  I can't live like this!  What if I don't get medical clearance next month?  I don't have time for the PAH Dr. to tinker with my medication and sit back and wait to see if it 'gets better'.  I know it's gotten better because I can feel a great difference, so I will be rather shocked to find out that I still am not medically cleared for surgery.

I feel like everything has come to a grinding halt.  My liver Dr. was told, by me, of the pains that I've been getting and he said "The PAH medication can enlarge the spleen".  I'm like "My spleen was already huge by the time I came to him, and what's going to happen is my spleen will rupture, and then what?  They'd have to put me to sleep to remove my spleen, and if that's the case, then why am I not (by what the PAH Dr. says, who I haven't seen in months) medically cleared for my liver transplant?  Shall we sit back and wait for the PAH Dr. to tinker with my medication at my expense?  What if my liver/spleen get so bad that I have to be hospitalized?  Or fall into a coma?  Will I just die if I don't get this 'medical clearance'?"  Shouldn't it be my decision to go under surgery, regardless of the risks?  The way I feel, is that the risks of things going bad are already there.  If the risk is 5% greater of me not making it, then that should be a risk that I should be willing to take.  It should be my decision to go through the surgery, not my Dr.'s.

It's just so frustrating because these Dr's don't care about my 'well-being'.  They don't care if I suffer, and go through hell and back.  Heck, they don't even care if I get a liver transplant or not!  It's all about milking my insurance for as much money as they can get, and having someone die during surgery is something that a surgeon doesn't want to have on his record.  The better success rate a surgeon has, the more highly recommended he becomes, the more he's recommended, the more money he makes.  It all boils down to the same thing: money.

Well, I don't care about money, or the integrity of any Dr's.  I care about getting my liver transplant and I'm going to start to put everyone on the hot-seat with me!  It's so crazy that I have to corner my Dr's to do the right thing!

I'm just not seeing the light at the end of this tunnel, it's like "Yeah, my imaginary liver transplant".  I can't even get on the damned list until I get medical clearance, and then what?  I wait on the list for 2 years?  Or possibly have friends/family members screened as potential donors?  That's all I really want, because I pretty much already know that the liver I get will not come from a cadaver, but from a living donor.  I'm not going to wait and possibly die on a 'waiting list' for a liver when I have so much family and people who are willing to be tested as a donor.

Wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, I'm going to my sisters house, unfortunately, my son will not be there with me, he's going with daddy to Maryland for the holiday.  Till next time...