The screening process begins...

I've now got three appointments to see the surgical coordinator, anesthesiologist and the psychiatric evaluation on February 17th.  All three appointments are very close together, maybe a little too close together, because my first appointment is at 9:30AM at the E98th Street building, and that one is for the surgical coordinator, then at 10:00AM, I've got to walk about 2-3 blocks to the main hospital where I've got an appointment with the anesthesiologist, after that, I go about one block up to my final appointment (and probably, the most boring/challenging) to see the Psychiatrist to be evaluated, as well.

I've got no fears as to seeing the psychiatrist to be evaluated, I just don't know exactly what they're going to say to me.  I always like to be prepared for those types of questions, and have answers ready to tell them.  But, I guess I'll just have to play it by ear at this point.  That's fine, I'm just going to answer the questions, without giving more information than is necessary (which, sometimes when I'm caught off-guard, I start to talk about things that are not relevant to the questions that I've been asked, giving away too much unnecessary information!  I've come way too far to make idiotic mistakes like that now!).

As for other news, I've got two potential living donors who wish to be screened, which is really good news!  I do feel a little torn, however, since both are, obviously, very close to me, and I don't want to put anyone in harms way for me.  But, as I've said in the past, knowledge is power!  I've been dedicating my time to know as much as possible about the living liver donation program at Mount Sinai.  That's important, and I've told both (as well as any potential future) living donor candidates to do the same.

It's hard for me to relate to that, since this is a completely voluntary decision made of their part, and, I know it's not fair for me to compare myself to any potential living donors, but I feel like this is a little unfair.  This is completely voluntary for them, but it's not voluntary for me.  No one ever asked me 'Hey, Vicky, wanna get a liver transplant?'  No.  In fact, I was told 'Either you undergo a surgery that has many risks, or the odds of living to 50 years old are less than 20%'.  I've even had the original Gastrointerologist back in 2007, when I first discovered that I had liver disease, tell me 'You know you're going to die from this, right?'  That was really hard to hear those words, and perhaps, when told so bluntly like that by a professional, I just couldn't deal with that, which lead me to divulge in my substance abuse problems, because I just didn't want to accept what he had told me.  I wanted to 'wake up' from this nightmare, and be ignorant about my illness and, in a lot of ways, be in total denial as to how serious my illness actually was.  Ignorance can be bliss, for some.  But not when it comes to your health!  We have one chance at this life, and once your health is gone, then most people take it one of two ways.  They either a) be in total denial about the magnitude of their illness and/or make the decision to not see any doctors, ever again, and just die from their illness, or b) do all they can to prolong their lives, and become eager to know what can be done about their illness, and that's when the 'survival mode' kicks in.  The will to live & the will to want to live and not give up.  I've been torn between these two courses of actions, but, in the end, I've decided that I will not live in denial of my illness...I just can't.  I've got too much to do, so many wonderful things to experience, things that I've yet to do with my life to just let it end here.  Not like this, and not at this time.  I've got too much to live for, and perhaps, in a way, everyone does, but not everyone can deal with all of these problems and continue to fight them.

It's just amazing that something that seemed so far off, is now right around the corner, and I hope that God gives me the courage to walk into that hospital, sign all paperwork and 'put my life in the surgeons hands'.  That's going to be the hardest part, for me.  Having to willingly give them my arm, have an IV put in, have the anesthesiologist inject me with general anesthesia knowing that there's a chance (even if it is a small one) that I may not wake up from this surgery.  All of the things that I want to say to my friends & family before I go into surgery.  That's going to be really hard for me, too.

I'm not going to be a 'drama-queen' and say my farewells to everyone prior to surgery, but I feel like maybe I should say something.  Perhaps that's just something that i won't be able to do.  All of this is very difficult and very real for me to accept.  But, this is what needs to be done.  My liver disease will only get worse over time, and it's not even the liver disease that will be fatal, it's the Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension.  I've never truly understood how serious my PAH was/is.  I should've realized that long ago, because I know how much that medication costs and it's insane!  The Letairis costs $5,300 a month, and the Adcirca costs roughly $1,400 monthly.  That's a lot of money and the doctor had to put in a special authorization to my insurance for that and it was approved (thank God!) because if they wouldn't cover that, then I'd already probably have one foot in the grave by now, maybe both!

So, I will keep advised as to how the screening for potential candidates for a living donor goes, and if there's anyone who wishes to know more about the living donor process, please feel free to contact me, and you can check out the links provided on this site, or email me and I will share that information with you.  Just so you know, I'm blood type A+, meaning, that I can accept a potential donor who is: O+, O-, A+ or A-.  Thanks!  Till next time...